Sunday, November 10, 2013

D i s t u r b i n g

I don't even know where nor how to start this post. Well, I think I'll just blurt it out as it is in my head now. If needed to be, we'll just edit and rearrange.

A year ago almost to the day (Nov 5, 2012) I lost a co-worker that I had just hired about two months prior. Althought it was not until two days later, on November the 7 that I found out that Rachel had suffered a heart attack in the middle of the night while sleeping.

A few minutes ago, Sandy called me to tell  me the reason she didn't go to work yesterday and today.
Her husband had a nervous breakdown (I imagine this happened sometime late thursday or early friday. She had texted me Friday morning to tell me that she would not be able to make it to work.
Now she tells me that Albert, her husband  just sort of snapped and started screaming and yelling at her for no reason, he told her calmly first, that he had just quit his job at the Printing Office and he wanted her to call me to do the same and he was going to tell their son Jeffrey (he works at the Walmart on Jones-Maltsberger) to quit as well because, he (Albert) was going to die and he wasn't going away alone. Next, she says, he began to ramble about not being human but rather an extraterrestrial alien. She tells me that when she tried to reason with him and look him in the eyes, he didn't look like the Albert she knew, he looked weird and scary. When he started to scream that they all were going to die together real loud she locked herself in the bathroom and called 911, the operator could hear Albert screaming behind the door and told Sandy to stay away from the door in case he would try to knock it down. At one point Sandy told the operator that when she heard her husband walking away towards the kitchen, she was going to get out of the bathroom and get out of the house, but the operator told her to wait for the police to get there and she was tracking the squad cars at the same time, and she would tell her when to run to the front door and run towards the police. And sure enough in about three minutes the police was in front of the house, she ran out and the officers asked for her permission to get inside and take Albert, she agreed and they were able to subdue him and handcuffed him until EMS got ther. She said that EMS technicians told her that they were going to take him in for a psiaquiatric evaluation.
She was told at the hospital that they are going to transfered him to a Nix Psiquiatric ward and a Doctor there told her that some patients never recover from episodes that are triggered or induced as a result of taking a number of medications. He inject insulin everyday, he has T1D like my baby, but he also takes medication for depression and anxiety attacks since his father passed away a little less than a year ago. I've met Albert. He goes to the Vision Center to meet with Sandy sometimes, I even remember meeting his Dad before he passed away last year. His old man was squizophrenic.
I just don't know how to take all this in. Is it an omen or simply coincidence?


 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Monday, September 30, 2013

Iron John

I am reading  Iron John in hopes of learning something about myself.
I think I already have found out that I missed the opportunity to make a strong connection with my son Jesus, I have no excuse to offer as to why I let go of him.
When he was born out of his beautiful mother he was the apple of my eye, (still is, but in a different light). I vividly remember when I carried him in my arms all the time. I also remember laughing at his first attempts at walking and then running. His first days, weeks, months and years at Lamar Elementary, he was such a beautiful boy, he must have gotten that from his mother good genes, as is the case with all three of my children. I am such a sentimental wreck.
The books is  about manhood, masculinity and how fathers throughout history, initiate their male offspring into manhood and away from being too close to the feminine figure.
I have only read about one third of it, so I cannot make any conclusions of it. However, I already feel guilty for the time that I failed to be near him, the time I squandered in silly things.
I am grateful to God for allowing me to see my children become adults, practically on their own. I feel proud of all three and love them to death. I have said this before and I'll say it again, they turned out to be better than their father at the same age.
Anyways, I think that Jesus and I, have made some improvement in our relationship and look forward to the day when he and I talk about everything that have come to pass.
In the metaphor alluded in the book, I think that all three of my children have come in contact with the wild man but have been careful as to not let him roam free. They returned the key to it's place under the pillow.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Depression sets in, again

Was I born under a bad sign?

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Integrity

It's all about integrity. Here I am relaxing at home when I should be at work. And there's so much to do at work since Inventory Day is around the corner, May 8th is the day.
On one hand I feel  okay with myself because I let my supervisor know that I was feeling down with my chronic back pain since Monday afternoon.
In the past, I would feel guilty whenever I got to stay home and I was supposed to be on duty.
The guilty feeling is still there but is not as pervasive and overwhelmingly in my mind.
I am in peace more or less with myself. I am not faking it. My back really hurts and I sincerely wish I could be more productive. That's the difference. Being true to one self.
Hey, there's and irony here!
An ironclad  milestone. And being careful about the language that I utilize here, it might be wiser to say that I have reached a turning point.
It's written all over.
My back hurts and OTC painkillers don't seem to have  a lasting effect. This morning while doing my 30-day inventory audit, the pain became unbearable that I decided to stop and call it quits.
Yet, in my mind, that was the right thing to do. I needed more rest and peace of mind.
This is an acomplishment on my part. It's not about the pain nor the guilt really. is about being honest and true to one self.
As I tried to learn in the past. One should know when to admit defeat and realize that God and only God can overcome any snags that impede or slow progress in one's personal and spiritual growth.
Wow, I really got inspired today. At what cost? you might ask. Well. nothing like a numbing and very unpleasant lower-back pain to bring me literally to my knees and see thing in a different perspective. It makes one a little humble.
Thank You God!
Thy Will Be Done.

Ana Maria with little Matty, Raquel, Sarah, Miguel Jr, Marla and Zeus.Dec.27, 2011
 
 

Friday, April 19, 2013

Tears and more tears

Why do I cry so often, and over almost anything?
First the storied of the people hurt in the Boston Marathon and now (yesterday) more people hurt in the explosions in West, Texas, north of Waco.

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Yesterday April 17, my Dad was on my mind for much of the day, it his birthday, he would have turned 84 , Happy birthday pops!.
Today I watched The Way and ispirational movie about a father and his son broken relationship, and Jesus Ricardo has been on mine mind.
As it is, it doesn't take much for me to cry. I watched the second half after Ana went to bed, 'cause I knew that I would cry during sad scenes and dialogs. She makes fun of me when she sees that I cry when, for instance, we're watching a movie or some documentary that tells a sad story of a child being abused or hurt or anything sad and moving. Maybe is not  with malice that she makes fun of me or ridiculizes me, is the way she asks, Are you crying? with a smirk on her face that makes me feel humiliated.
Anyway, I miss my son. For a time, recently, when I went to help him with his truck, I thought that we were getting close again, I was so happy that he had call me to asked for help.
I would still drop anything to go to him at a moments notice. I crave his attention and any words for however small they might be, directed at me. God I am crying again.
I am crying and I don;t know exactly why.
During the movie playing, I was thinking that I would like to walk the Camino de Santiago before I die, even if is the last thing that God would grant me.
Well, that feat is now  in my bucket list.
What better way to do it than doing it with my son, my first son, my baby boy.
God, please grant me at least to enjoy the company of my children in my deathbed.

latersss


 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Habemus Papam

Tenemos Papa!
Argentinian Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio will now be known as Pope Francis as of today.
03/13/13 will be as well recorded in history as the day a latin american was elected as the new leader of the Catholic Church.
The first things I hear in the media about him is that Pope Francis during his time as Archbishop as a Jesuit he renounced to materialistic living as Saint Francis is known for his humility. Pope Francis refused to have use of a limousine and choffeur in favor of walking and useing public transportation as well as cooking his own meals.
Chris Cuomo tells Pierce Morgan that italians catholic cardinals, bishops and archbishops fear the new Pontif because as a Jesuit, he will undoubtly question the destination of the money that the Catholic Church and The Vatican in particular if is not being utilized for humanitarian purposes instead of accumulating riches.
I have high hopes that the new Pope will bring us catholics together, he already have my respect for his personal humility gestures.
We now know that during the last papal conclave the now Pope Francis came second in the voting of all cardinals and he had asked the other voting cardinals not to vote for him in but in favor of the now retired Pope Benedict. So it seems only fitting and obvious that the majority of votes would go to him.


Pope Francis, formerly Jorge Bergoglio elected Pope 03/13/2013