Thanksgiving Day , November 27th 2014

We are not celebrating Thanksgiving in our home today.
We are not having turkey dinner or any other kind of meal here.
I think that our Thanksgiving gathering has been post-pponed for either Friday or Saturday, due to one or two of us working Thanksgiving Day.
Nevertheless, there's plenty of graces, miracles and blessing all around us to be grateful about.
Last night I found a poem titled "Love after love" by Derek Walcott, that was featured in a documentary that I watched on NETFLIX titled Free Mindsthat, teaches yoga and meditation as a way to cope with fears and PTSD. The poem is beautiful and it fits the theme.
But as I am about to put this in writing I just read a couple of  texts from Zeus and Junior sent earlier today to wish us Happy Thanksgiving. Junior'st text includes a poem that he wrote for the ocasion and so this poem titled "Our Family" now takes priority in this column and I will include Walcott's poem in another post.
I wish I had a picture with all of us in it. It does not exists. But what I will include here is my take on giving thanks for my blessings;

I am grateful for having a family still wholly.  A family that althought not perfect, strives for keeping with each other in an effort to maintain a unity.
With more vices than virtues I feel I am the one blessed the most, because the other members of it have not given up on me.
I am forever grateful for keeping me on my toes mentally and spititually.
Dysfunctional families abound, ours is not one of them. For I believe that my Higher power does not burden us with more than we can handle. If at all, it all serves to make us stronger. Some say that a family is only as strong as its weakest link, but I dissent. If all the members have matured enough and their minds and lives have grown strong and resilient, there's no telling how much more they can get ahead in the event that one gets lost.
What? .
It's Thanksgiving time and I have digressed.
I am grateful for having a job, for my health, for the love of my children and my wife.
I am grateful for my state of mind. I have made (In the last few months),  minuscule improvements in my way of thinking and my behavior. There's a lot more work to do and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to keep learning about myself and what good I can do for others.
Anyway, with no more preamble,  I present with utter pride, my son's inspiration in the form of a loving poem:

Our Family

 

 

Our Mother, strongest I know.

Beyond physical, spiritual and real,

She taught me to grow.

 

Our Sister, more than one inside joke,

Laughter she taught,

Without which I'd choke.

 

Our Brother, his own path he chose.

Taught me to take the road less traveled,

Where higher I rose,

 

Our Father, of many books he was fond.

Taught me to search literature for truth and beyond.

Lessons in all, topics too many.

Morning and night,

I recall plenty.

 

Seen and unseen.

Sometimes in between.

Perhaps there is meaning in this life of dream.

Found in the all, a nature of beauty.

Gratefully found in Our Family.

 

-MR

 

Damaged goods

I keep going back and forth. Earlier today I thought of calling Junior and Jesus to ask them if they wanted to come with me to Pick-n-pull. I need to get door lock cylinder in good condition to replace at least one in my car, (both doorlocks are useless).
But then I changed my mind and figured that, they are probably busy and don't want to hang with me anyways, especially on a cold day.

Keep going back and forth literally, I seat here at my computer, go outside to the car, think for awhile how to fix my car problems, no success, come back in, and seat down at the desk again. Again, I get up and turn on the phone, I connected to the charger about two hours ago and it shows very low charge, I discovered that the plug end to the phone was not fully inserted, so it was not charging, now it is. And still couldn't call Junior.
I'm trying to cling to some vestiges of sanity and make sense of this depression that I feel have gotten a hold of me and does not go away.
Thanksgiving Day, Jesus' Birthday and Christmas are approaching fast and it just doesn't make things easier. I don't see the point of having any celebrations, I mean with me involved. I wish that nobody would invite me to go anywhere, I am just a burden, I am not sociable, I have a hard time talking to people. Why doesn't anybody understand me?. If we go to Jesus's and Marla's house, I don't feel like talking to anybody, I usually end up seating alone or just wishing not being there. Last time I spend some time talking to Marta, (Thank God for Marta) and made thing alittle easier for me.
I didn't get to talk to Junior, or Jesus, I mean like friends or better yet like family. Will I ever?
I feel that I haven't been forgiven for my past mistakes, especially by Jesus and Anamaria.
But then again, like Junior would say, that may be just my own perception, things could not be further  from the truth but I don't see beyond my own reality.
I think that I am still being punished and althought I accept it, I do not see the end of it.
I am what some would call "damaged goods". Meaning that I don't know if will ever get out of this depresion, or if I will ever get over what started this whole thing.
This punishment that I have imposed on myself is no different than life without parole, because I cannot see myself as productive member of society again. I cannot get rid of this feeling og guilt and sense of doom, worthlessness, a burden to society and the world. No I am not feeling suicidal, but the feeling that the world would be better without me is real, or at least, I would not be missed if I died today. One less problem to deal with!

                                      -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

But the only thing or maybe the few things that gets me back to sanity is riding my bike, and/or reading a book.
I know it's not much,  but for now is what keeps me going.
If somebody would ask me what would make me happy today, right now,?  my unwavering answer is,  riding my bike and tour the country or some far place with both my sons.
I really think that because I don't know how to fish, never learned and nobody tought me, bicycling is my favorite relaxing sport and for the last three years I've been wishing for a bike partner, I asked Anamaria before but could not convince her, she has no interest in riding like me.
Yesterday was very cold (around 40 degrees Farenheit) and still went to the same area was my backpack was taken from my car, in the hopes that maybe I would found it discarded along the river or the trailway.
I found a  white pitbull, that seem lost and sniffing around like trying to find its master's scent but to no avail. I took it to my car and seat there for awhile wondering what I should do with it, when the same officer that assisted me days earlier, got there and she said that she would take care of finding the pooch's owner.


Then I went to New Braunfels, to look for the Naegelin's Bakery that was spot-mentioned earlier. Supposedly they make the best "Bear Claws" and so I had to try for myself, as got a couple, along with other pastries. They are okay, not out-of-this-world, kind of thing, but they don't disappooint neither. Then I went to Landa Park and rode the bike there for a few minutes and took some pics with my iPod Touch until the battery died.
I will upload the pics later.
 

Depression or something like it

Depression has been in my head lately. No I haven't been diagnosed medically, I just matched the symptoms I have read online in a number of articles in the matter and voila!.
Then again, if is not Bipolar depression then is what was known as melancholy.
My thoughts are a rollercoaster of emotions, one moment I am happy or at least content with my life, the next I am sad and feeling doomed, shameful, worthless, guilty and not
deserving of anybody's attention.
I am a weak-minded person. Meaning that I am easily influenced by the environment that surrounds me at any given moment.
I want to get healthy, shed some pounds and be ready for when my grandson or granddaughter arrives. Junior says that is wrong to hang on somebody else's life our own goals and dreams, but even thought I think he's right, If I set those goals for my own sake, I know that I would lose interest soon after planning anything.
But then I get desilussioned and discouraged when I don't see any changes in my physical appearance. I went to get a membership in a gymnasium and visit three to get options to decide, but I didn't decide on any and here I am.
Trying to figure out who am I, or is it who I am? Who knows?
Nobody knows how hard is to live like this. And I am perfectly aware that whatever is wrong with me, it's no match to what other innocent people are suffering about.