I keep going back and forth. Earlier today I thought of calling Junior and Jesus to ask them if they wanted to come with me to Pick-n-pull. I need to get door lock cylinder in good condition to replace at least one in my car, (both doorlocks are useless).
But then I changed my mind and figured that, they are probably busy and don't want to hang with me anyways, especially on a cold day.
Keep going back and forth literally, I seat here at my computer, go outside to the car, think for awhile how to fix my car problems, no success, come back in, and seat down at the desk again. Again, I get up and turn on the phone, I connected to the charger about two hours ago and it shows very low charge, I discovered that the plug end to the phone was not fully inserted, so it was not charging, now it is. And still couldn't call Junior.
I'm trying to cling to some vestiges of sanity and make sense of this depression that I feel have gotten a hold of me and does not go away.
Thanksgiving Day, Jesus' Birthday and Christmas are approaching fast and it just doesn't make things easier. I don't see the point of having any celebrations, I mean with me involved. I wish that nobody would invite me to go anywhere, I am just a burden, I am not sociable, I have a hard time talking to people. Why doesn't anybody understand me?. If we go to Jesus's and Marla's house, I don't feel like talking to anybody, I usually end up seating alone or just wishing not being there. Last time I spend some time talking to Marta, (Thank God for Marta) and made thing alittle easier for me.
I didn't get to talk to Junior, or Jesus, I mean like friends or better yet like family. Will I ever?
I feel that I haven't been forgiven for my past mistakes, especially by Jesus and Anamaria.
But then again, like Junior would say, that may be just my own perception, things could not be further from the truth but I don't see beyond my own reality.
I think that I am still being punished and althought I accept it, I do not see the end of it.
I am what some would call "damaged goods". Meaning that I don't know if will ever get out of this depresion, or if I will ever get over what started this whole thing.
This punishment that I have imposed on myself is no different than life without parole, because I cannot see myself as productive member of society again. I cannot get rid of this feeling og guilt and sense of doom, worthlessness, a burden to society and the world. No I am not feeling suicidal, but the feeling that the world would be better without me is real, or at least, I would not be missed if I died today. One less problem to deal with!
But the only thing or maybe the few things that gets me back to sanity is riding my bike, and/or reading a book.
I know it's not much, but for now is what keeps me going.
If somebody would ask me what would make me happy today, right now,? my unwavering answer is, riding my bike and tour the country or some far place with both my sons.
I really think that because I don't know how to fish, never learned and nobody tought me, bicycling is my favorite relaxing sport and for the last three years I've been wishing for a bike partner, I asked Anamaria before but could not convince her, she has no interest in riding like me.
Yesterday was very cold (around 40 degrees Farenheit) and still went to the same area was my backpack was taken from my car, in the hopes that maybe I would found it discarded along the river or the trailway.
I found a white pitbull, that seem lost and sniffing around like trying to find its master's scent but to no avail. I took it to my car and seat there for awhile wondering what I should do with it, when the same officer that assisted me days earlier, got there and she said that she would take care of finding the pooch's owner.
Then I went to New Braunfels, to look for the Naegelin's Bakery that was spot-mentioned earlier. Supposedly they make the best "Bear Claws" and so I had to try for myself, as got a couple, along with other pastries. They are okay, not out-of-this-world, kind of thing, but they don't disappooint neither. Then I went to Landa Park and rode the bike there for a few minutes and took some pics with my iPod Touch until the battery died.
I will upload the pics later.
But then I changed my mind and figured that, they are probably busy and don't want to hang with me anyways, especially on a cold day.
Keep going back and forth literally, I seat here at my computer, go outside to the car, think for awhile how to fix my car problems, no success, come back in, and seat down at the desk again. Again, I get up and turn on the phone, I connected to the charger about two hours ago and it shows very low charge, I discovered that the plug end to the phone was not fully inserted, so it was not charging, now it is. And still couldn't call Junior.
I'm trying to cling to some vestiges of sanity and make sense of this depression that I feel have gotten a hold of me and does not go away.
Thanksgiving Day, Jesus' Birthday and Christmas are approaching fast and it just doesn't make things easier. I don't see the point of having any celebrations, I mean with me involved. I wish that nobody would invite me to go anywhere, I am just a burden, I am not sociable, I have a hard time talking to people. Why doesn't anybody understand me?. If we go to Jesus's and Marla's house, I don't feel like talking to anybody, I usually end up seating alone or just wishing not being there. Last time I spend some time talking to Marta, (Thank God for Marta) and made thing alittle easier for me.
I didn't get to talk to Junior, or Jesus, I mean like friends or better yet like family. Will I ever?
I feel that I haven't been forgiven for my past mistakes, especially by Jesus and Anamaria.
But then again, like Junior would say, that may be just my own perception, things could not be further from the truth but I don't see beyond my own reality.
I think that I am still being punished and althought I accept it, I do not see the end of it.
I am what some would call "damaged goods". Meaning that I don't know if will ever get out of this depresion, or if I will ever get over what started this whole thing.
This punishment that I have imposed on myself is no different than life without parole, because I cannot see myself as productive member of society again. I cannot get rid of this feeling og guilt and sense of doom, worthlessness, a burden to society and the world. No I am not feeling suicidal, but the feeling that the world would be better without me is real, or at least, I would not be missed if I died today. One less problem to deal with!
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
But the only thing or maybe the few things that gets me back to sanity is riding my bike, and/or reading a book.
I know it's not much, but for now is what keeps me going.
If somebody would ask me what would make me happy today, right now,? my unwavering answer is, riding my bike and tour the country or some far place with both my sons.
I really think that because I don't know how to fish, never learned and nobody tought me, bicycling is my favorite relaxing sport and for the last three years I've been wishing for a bike partner, I asked Anamaria before but could not convince her, she has no interest in riding like me.
Yesterday was very cold (around 40 degrees Farenheit) and still went to the same area was my backpack was taken from my car, in the hopes that maybe I would found it discarded along the river or the trailway.
I found a white pitbull, that seem lost and sniffing around like trying to find its master's scent but to no avail. I took it to my car and seat there for awhile wondering what I should do with it, when the same officer that assisted me days earlier, got there and she said that she would take care of finding the pooch's owner.
Then I went to New Braunfels, to look for the Naegelin's Bakery that was spot-mentioned earlier. Supposedly they make the best "Bear Claws" and so I had to try for myself, as got a couple, along with other pastries. They are okay, not out-of-this-world, kind of thing, but they don't disappooint neither. Then I went to Landa Park and rode the bike there for a few minutes and took some pics with my iPod Touch until the battery died.
I will upload the pics later.
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